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the importance of me

• on sunday, BHF dropped the i love you on me. two days after, she was supposed to pick me up so we could go to the office together. she never showed. to her credit, she called a few hours later, saying she was in a rush, she was late, & just plain forgot. as many of you can imagine, i was & still am indignant. hurt even. i realize she has a horrible short term memory. that she has to write shit down on her hand to remember to do it. i am not her responsibility. but i can still be [...]

sleepless

• for the first time in almost a year, i woke up with a panic attack. i fell asleep around 10, then suddenly had a severe attack of nerves. i got up, pulled my odwalla from the fridge, undressed a little because im hot, tried to sleep again, but feel on edge. it made me think of all my sleepless nights in barranquilla. all the nights i spent next to JCH unable to sleep. i want to pace around. i could take a walk to fiesta. but thought writing might help. i feel like something is wrong. not with [...]

the first i love you

• i say i love you a lot. to all my friends. whenever im leaving. k love you bye. to my family. to my abuelos. the first time jazmin said it was when i was thousands of miles away, in colombia. she emailed me a photo of pedro the fire hydrant with i l love you graffittied on it. she said thats what shed been thinking all night. i melted @ the gesture. on sunday, b & i sat in the car, talking, having a serious discussion. sunday was a pretty emotional day overall. it left us all quite raw. [...]

dark humor

• last night, after talking to mindy about the shit in my life right now, she says to me, wouldnt it be ironic if i went to rwanda & you are the one that ends up getting killed first? & thats why i love my friends. they make jokes out of crazy situations. [...]

feelin the frustration

• i wont lie. not having physical contact with a girl for almost a year is difficult. especially right now. when a hot girl that is a good friend dances on me, nearly kisses my mouth, breathes down my neck. i wont lie. its hard to not feel pangs of longing for something as simple as a kiss. its not in me to crack open though. BHF says to me, “she likes you. whats wrong with her?” “the same thing thats wrong with every girl i meet.” “im just saying… the doors [...]

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